Public Confession Time

This is personal stuff, so if you’re just here for the stitching, feel free to ignore 🙂

I spend money when I’m depressed.  I’m not clinically depressed, I’m not on medication. I do get down periods and I do “cheer myself up” by spending money.  The most obvious outburst of this was when my neurologist threw m in the too hard basket last year I went a little nuts buying Christmas presents.

However I didn’t stop at that.  At the same time there was the Needle Delight closing down sales.  After that there was the Sew and So after Christmas sales.  The Violarium closing down sales. The Pawprints closing down sales.

Just this week Colours Down Under had DMC Perle #5 for $2 so I added in the Gloriana skeins for Love Potion #9 turning a $6 order into a $40 order. While typing up the project-a-day for Glitz and Glamour Onyx I decided finally to order a set of 12″ stretcher bars. Instead of just ordering cheap stretcher bars, I ordered two complete sets 8″ and 12″ of Evertite bars, and the evertite tool and some proper tacks with International Post came to around $70.

I have to put the brakes on myself.  So I’m doing it here “publicly” on the blog.  I’m owning up to my behaviour.  And I’m stopping it.  @Mochachick8 has given me a lead on a sweet little eBay seller for the fabric for Scarlet Unspoken but I’m not going to use it.

From now, I am not going to buy any more cross stitch supplies, DVDs, books etc until my credit card is paid off.  I have a fixed. extremely limited. income. I have to remember that fact.  In the past I could deal with this behaviour by picking up a few more weekend overtime shifts.  Currently I cannot work. At all.  I cannot affect my income at all. I have one tiny amount coming in from the government (no I’m not even getting the full allowance) and I have to learn to live within it.  That means paying off my current round of excesses as well as all the upcoming medical costs that may be incurred with the new specialist.

I’m not trying to have a pity party, or make anyone feel sorry for me.  I am certainly not trying to ask anyone to buy anything for me. I do have enough stuff in my stash.  Honestly.  Please do not see this as a way for me to milk stuff from my friends.  I have incredibly generous friends, I do not want to do anything to make them feel like I am a user.

What this post is about, is me being brutal with myself.  And I can only do that if it is done publicly. If I say it where other people can see it, then I can’t hide from it.

So in summary, I regardless what new designs come out, what items I discuss on this blog, what one tiny item I need I wont be buying it until the credit card is paid off.

The only exceptions are DMC threads which I can buy from the local shop in town.

I will be spending time organising my stash again as this reinforces the “you have enough stuff” message in my brain and I’ll be rearranging and adding stuff to the Wish Lists.  Again this is not a pathetic attempt to get more people to buy me things (I already have overly generous friends as it is); it is simply another way to fool myself into thinking I’m rewarding myself without hitting that “buy now” button.

Oh one last note: for those concerned – the amount on the credit card isn’t actually *that* high.  It’s not in the multiples of thousands of dollars.  But it is too high for someone in my income bracket and it is a behaviour that is increasing and therefore needs to stopped, hard.  Once the credit card has been paid off, enough length of time will have elapsed that I’ll be cautious about spending again instead of spending willy-nilly like I’m doing now.  Also I might be cured of the migraines too.  Or my stash might be reduced because I might have stitched some of it – you never know.

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25 Responses to Public Confession Time

  1. I’m so insanely proud of you I could just burst sweetie. I had a similar “moment” last year when I realised that not only were Ian and I NOT moving forward financially, we were actually galloping backward at a somewhat alarming rate. As you know, our combined incomes should make that virtually impossible but my ambivilance to credit had left us with a somewhat ridiculous amount going to the Bank as monthly interest. Six months on, we’re stable but not yet going forward. Sometimes it takes us slapping ourselves in the face to wake us up. You and I are both members of the “Stuff we have = how happy I am” generation, so I join you in finding another mindset. Hugs!!!

  2. tempewytch says:

    I am another “feeling like carp, let me spend money” person and like you I need to clear the CC so I am supporting you all the way here! (I will NOT buy more yarn, I will NOT buy more yarn!)

  3. Mel says:

    Thanks for your support! This is another area that could easily be deemed TMI or “who cares”, but thanks 🙂 I know you guys understand and care. As Julie says, I think part of *is* the lessons taught to us Gen X’s that we are now slooowly unlearning. Decluttering is part of the same patterns of behaviour. But there’s no point in removing the clutter from the house if you’re just going to keep bringing more in. Not that I’m a candidate for “Hoarders (yup I’ve seen one episode) but it is all relative 🙂

  4. Julie Nemitz says:

    I sometimes have that problem too Mel, and for the same reason, it’s a bad thing. I’m trying to do better too. Here’s hoping we both succeed!!

  5. kay jones says:

    Here’s another one thats proud of you gal. Having lived on next to nothing for 20 years when Mike and I first got married, the pittance that they call State Pension in this country is certainly more than we’ve ever had before so I consider myself lucky. We own our house and have no debts so yes, I can indulge myself but I do appreciate that others aren’t in that position and I’m happy to cheer you on. Mind you, I did have a credit card once but I never used it so the Bank took it away (mean bastards).

    I know you aren;t asking for anything but continue to put up on your lists threads you need to stitch the charts (especially beads) If its only a skein or two I know that some of us will be able to oblige and, to be quite honest, not miss the item.

    Hugs

    • Kay makes a good point. You’ve said that you have a lifetimes-worth of stash but if you find yourself missing something that you need because you ‘fancy starting something’ then yell out. It will undermine your will if you have to overcome a negative reaction to ‘not having something’

      • Mel says:

        You are both correct as usual 🙂

        I figure if there is something I really really REALLY want to stitch then I will start it with the materials I have on hand and then put a call out or order in the other bits AFTER I start stitching it, I figure that’s a good indicator for opening the purse strings, as opposed to now where I’m buying bits and bobs but not really stitiching anything.

        Kay is also correct in that I don’t have my Beads Lust List up on line anywhere and that’s one area where I don’t actually have much stash. So I’ll upload that over the next few days. Does the “via Chart” tab above work? When you guys click on each picture, does it open to a new page and list all the items needed for that project? I just want to make sure it works before moving more of my Lust Lists across.

  6. tempewytch says:

    Hmm the via project just seemed to bring up a load of chart pictures for me

    • Mel says:

      And what happens when you click on one of the pictures ….

      • tempewytch says:

        It just brings them all up in a slideshow type of arrangement 😦

        • Mel says:

          bollocks! I don’t know why it is doing that. If you click the “Permalink” button under the picture you want in the slideshow it will take you to the right page.

          I just wish I knew why it’s bringing up a slideshow when I have it set to open to the attachement page ….

  7. rocalisa says:

    Just chiming in on the “hear what you’re saying” bandwagon here. With me it’s books rather than craft stuff (mostly) but I can do the same thing. We’re working hard on dealing to that credit card, but it isn’t easy on one income for the three of us.

  8. Mel says:

    Just stopped myself from subscribing to a stitching magazine. Willpower still working.

  9. Lana says:

    Hi, Mel!

    I too want to say that I am proud of you, in general, and, specifically, for not subscribing to the magazine.

    I deal with clinical depression and am on meds for it, so I know that it is really hard to get beyond those moments of despair. I think you taking your issue “public” will help as it will allow those closest to you to keep you accountable and cheer you on through your touch moments and successes.

    Hugs!

    Lana

    • Lana says:

      That should be “tough” not “touch” moments.

      L

    • Mel says:

      Hugs to you too Lana for going public with your issues. We’re here for anyone else who needs it too. This little online community of stitchers sometimes feels more like a family than the blood relatives. I can tell you these people understand a lot more than the blood relatives do! Hugs!

      • Lana says:

        Hi, Mel!

        Thanks for your note. Although my mom has experienced depression years ago, she made a choice to deal with her physical and mental health issues with natural remedies and supplementing. I have not chosen to follow her decision as I have chosen to take medication to deal with my issues. There have been times when I have really felt like she has not understood or was able to sympathize with where I was/am at in my life. Fortunately, at the times(s) when things came to a head for me, I had a friend who was able to “take my hand” and encourage me to do what I needed to do to get me back to an even keel. I think that is one of the reasons that I went “public”, as you say, with my issues. I just wanted to let you know that there was at least one other person at there who could associate, at least somewhat, with where you can end up.

        Hugs!

        Lana

        • Mel says:

          Thanks Lana,

          Although my family does not understand depression, my friends do. I have friends with clinical depression, and on medication so I do have people to talk to who understand. Friends who understand way more than I do and give me a kick up the butt when I need it 🙂 I also know that depression is still stigmatised in a lot of places so many people wont talk about it, even in a place as hidden away from normal life as a blog. That’s what I why trying to praise you for. I just phrased it badly sorry.

          • Lana says:

            Having friends who are there to support you (or me) is really important. I agree with you that depression is stigmatised and that is part of the reason I don’t necessarily tell people that I deal with (person to person, such as work) that I have it. I don’t want my illness to define who I am to others. But, thank you for the praise and the support. I don’t necessarily think you phrased it badly. I just wanted to share a bit of my story so that you could understand where I was/am coming from a bit more.

            Hugs!

            Lana

  10. Stephen Silk says:

    It occurs to me that, apart from specialty things, between everybody’s stashes you probably have the majority of what’s needed to stich up most of the charts you all have. All that’s needed (all, he says?!) is to coordinate what everyone has and what everyone needs and see where there are correspondences.

    Hmm, I may have an idea on how to do that… Let me think about it (assuming anyone’s interested).

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