Well wishers and concerned friends are asking me daily how I’m going, so I thought it would be best to put up a public post.
I’m actually going better than expected. Having those last few days with Trubs I could see the end coming (even though I wasn’t admitting it) so in some ways I prepared for it; I had the chance to say goodbye.
My regrets were about making her comfortable in her final days and the vets have pretty much talked me through as lot of that this week. The fact that she purred in bed and slept a few hours before the end showed she was where she wanted to be.
A few things still catch me. I have trouble having lunch when mum is not here. For months I arranged my meals around trying to entice Trubs to each more, so I shared my lunches of fish on toast or cheese on toast or roast chicken or GF meat pies with her. I’m finding I’ve had to completely change my lunch menus or I just dissolve into floods of tears.
Abby has no interest in human food at all, so when I bake salmon for mum and I now, I need to remember not to put in that extra small piece …
Little other things catch me occasionally, such as we were at a farmer’s market on Saturday morning and I saw a stall selling little dog coats. That had me tearing up because it was one of the last things I was thinking of buying for her.
Other than those occasional the other main issues now are nights and stitching.
Nights are really surprising. Other than the last couple of nights as she was dying, Trubs hasn’t slept with me since we returned to NSW. She had been sleeping near the fireplace. But on the other hand, she’s slept against my chest for the better part of 17 years, so maybe it’s not that surprising.
I wake during the night up with my pillow clutched against my chest and my head and neck in awkward positions. Needless to say, that’s when I miss her the most and of course the crook neck is not helping the migraines. I took a Polar bear plushie to bed last night, curled up against my chest, but that didn’t make any difference. I think this is a “time will heal” issue. Migraines have been back up in the “stabby stabby kill everyone” range of pain. So not optimal conditions.
I’ve been trying to stitch. I’ve in fact been struggling to stitch, forcing the issue. Stitching has always been part of my meditation, so I don’t want to let it go, in case I become like so many others and never pick it back up again.
However, the only way I can stitch, is if I have the laptop on my lap, and mum is conversing with me at the same time. So not quite meditative. Lots of mistakes. Lots of snarls. The silk knots constantly. I feel I am constantly fighting the piece.
But there is progress.
So any thoughts or advice?