OK my friends probably are probably expecting this post. There’s no-one here today except Abby (sleeping), me and the contents of my head.
So I’m going to let this all out, and get it out of my system so it hopefully stops going round and round in my head and dominating all of my thoughts and paralysing me. There’s no need for comments, there’s no need to even read this post. I’m only making this public, so that those who care about me know I’ve gone through the process …
Why didn’t I notice on Friday that it was more than just the arthritis acting up?
Why did I have to leave the house Saturday morning? I’ve been cooped up here for months on end, why did I have to choose day to be out until it was too late?
Why did I have to live rural where the vets shut midday on Saturday? Where a “genuine emergency” only applies to a stud bull or a working dog!
Why didn’t I decide to drive her the hour or so into an emergency clinic in Canberra on Sunday? Why did I wait for the vet I trusted on Monday? Why did I put Trubs through that extra day of pain?
Was the vet right that “nothing could be done” or could she really have been helped if could have gotten her to a vet sooner? I think she would have been in less pain if I had her to a vets sooner – but she may have spent the weekend at a vets instead of at home and still be euthanized on Monday if not on Friday.
I should have noticed earlier – I should have stayed home Saturday – I put her through so much needless pain.
Mum reminds me that we dosed her up on Metcam most of the time, that she purred that last couple of night in bed with me. That she would have preferred her last days at home, not spent the weekend in a vet clinic.
I still feel like I let Trubs down in her last days – at a time she needed me most.
I think this is just a stage of grief and I think most people go through this. If I could, I would go back and change things. I would take her to the vets on Friday, or hell even Wednesday before we knew about the tongue ulcers. but I can’t go back. I have to live with what has happened and the decisions I did make whether they were right, wrong or just plain stupid.
So I think it being a bleak cold day here, I might curl up under blanket on the lounge, watch some crap TV and do some Warcraft archaeology for the day.
I can’t stitch – there’s no furry lap warmer shedding all over my fabric …